On Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe

This post was going to provide my tiny readership with a general introduction to This Is Why You're Fat, a website devoted to absurd culinary excesses, but I was beaten to the punch and have therefore decided to refocus on a single in-depth analysis of my favorite [absurdity]: Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe. 



Sure it's fattier than you're used to, but something about Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe's blond goyishe sweetness is terribly attractive. While it easily disarms you with its silly name and self-deprecating sense of humor, its focused creativity proves that it's more than the humble sum of fried dough and canned Manwich. Savory tangled innards complicate the sweetness of its superficial first impressions, prompting "just one more taste" after another in search of even more hidden dimension.

For such a manly sandwich, it's unexpectedly fragile; if you don't hold it just so, it could spill its guts all over the place. So although it's not entirely balanced (even its savory center tends to be on the sweet-side) and your Bubbie probably wouldn't approve, with each successive bite you realize that you could actually love this sandwich...and besides, a doughnut is more or less a bagel anyway.

But contrary to its sweetness, Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe can be so hurtful. It comforts and warms you and then turns, causing the kind of heartburn and indigestion that painfully keeps you awake at night. Your girlfriends are right when they advise you not to put Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe on a pedistal. It's just unhealthy. So why do you keep going back for another bite?

Maybe it's because the meat satisfies in a way that makes you wonder at the fact that you once thought you weren't really a meat person. Or that it won't let you get away with your bullshit tendency towards self-depravation. Or that when it's good, it's so good that you start to think of everything that could be. If only Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe would recognize the eclipsing effect of his genius and give credit when it's due, and finally get over his ex-girlfriend, I could let go of the heavy bottle of Pepcid AC I've been schleping around in my purse and just get comfortable already.

This wouldn't be the first time I misread Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe. So I apologize if I have.

HOW TO GIVE CREDIT: I was turned on to This Is Why You're Fat by my hilarious friend Barry's hilarious blog, The Barry Rides.